Truly, can there ever
be enough said or written about the trials and pitfalls, the exasperation,
as well as the secret rewards of caregiving, of Loving and Honouring, no
matter the person or the varying circumstances… It is part of our tapestry
from beginning to end. And it is through Insight, Honesty, and Compassion
(for all involved), that the most needful touchstones become available
when all else seemingly fails. Perhaps we may find in the end that they
are in fact, all we need - though this world does not measure them - and
though their awakening and growth may feel like the very ripping and heaving
of Birth itself, ironically and perhaps especially, even as we watch Death
approach - in sometimes mercilessly extended increments…
The caregiver honours their own journey by remaining aware
of it throughout the struggles. Simply stated, in and among varying dire
challenges, one cannot give from an empty cup, and a caregiver’s needs
are indeed many and equally crucial. These include numerous outside avenues
of reliable support (and the willingness to ‘allow’ help in), self care
(which is not selfish), validation – even and especially through
the intense range of emotions - as well as interim opportunities to ‘let
go’ and walk away for a time (physically and/or emotionally), most particularly
in long-term situations.
For me, one of the most astute and poignant offerings
regarding caregivers’ issues came when I was in a state of burnout, in
the form of a precious and life-affirming book, which I highly recommend.
Titled “The Caregiver’s Companion”, and compiled by Betty Clare Moffat
(currently published by iUniverse.com, Inc.), here is a most loving, and
cathartic work meant for anyone in the throes of dealing with terminal
or ongoing illness and the aging of a loved one… For the primary focus
and concern of family, friends, the healthcare community, and as well by
the caregiver during such times is nearly always on the apparently needful
recipient. But one of the things I learned through my experience is that
it was in fact, my experience; that ones own dignity, strength, self-worth,
and even humour, exist even within the limitations of coping with impossible
situations. These ‘Impossible Situations’ provide hard lessons in ‘holding
on’ as well as ‘letting go’, and the sheer intensity of dancing through
them is often thoroughly exhausting. It is also important to realize, albeit
one of the hardest things to fully grasp, that as much as we may wish it,
we are neither capable of nor responsible for making a loved one’s journey
for them. The experience can be a purifying trial by fire as we walk beside
them. So it can, in turns, leave both with feelings of exquisite bitterness,
grief, rage, and guilt - yet as well be a profound blessing in “releasing
the outcome” - and perhaps for the first time, it can also be a gift in
learning to truly ‘live in the moment’…
Ah… The Release of the Outcome. Now here is something
quite alien to our notions of Love and Living, yet paradoxically just as
vital as anything else we can muster. Throughout the better part of our
lives, we are taught to revere the youthful, the strong, the vibrant –
often turning our eyes from frailty, weakness, and vulnerability, even
and sometimes especially, within ourselves. We go forth, moving forward,
planning, creating, building our lives, our hopes, and our expectations.
Yet it is our willingness to embrace the ‘intimacy’ of the entire scope
of the human condition which teaches us the deepest and most meaningful
lessons. Living, and Nurturing, are not complete in and of themselves through
the endeavours of moving forward and ‘accomplishing’, but as often, in
standing still and hearing that which we’d not heard before. Sometimes
we are given gifts we do not immediately recognize. For throughout, behind,
and beneath the din and roil of what we perceive as The Human Experience
lies the silent, stalwart, and noble foundation of who we really are –
embodied in The Human Spirit…
I am a caregiver, and my journey continues…
~ It is only with the heart
that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye. –
Antoine De Saint Exupery
Grief transforms
in each moment…
When birth and death are one,
and letting go
is holding on.
For far below what was
lies another world ~
Where Love listens and hears
touches and feels
the shadow and the light,
curse and cure,
healing and breaking;
Where mourning and grasping,
rising and falling,
are all
equally
brave…
