“I am a caregiver.
Presently, I am neither a spouse nor a parent, that is to say, becoming
a caregiver was not a so-called ‘life choice’ per se. Nor is this a disclaimer
- for I suppose that ‘choices’ made either by ourselves or by Circumstance
are all fraught with twists and turns. Life happens to you while you’re
busy making other plans, right? It simply happens that the simultaneous
aging and illness of both my parents fell upon my shoulders to bide, though
my father is no longer alive. As I write these words, my mind is a chaotic
jumble of flashbacks that still numb my heart, chill my blood, and yet
at the same time, beg my remembrance. Although this part of the Great Circle
is not commonly addressed in our culture: just like being a partner or
a parent, it opens one up to an entirely new universe, around, and within…
However, perhaps one of the most marked differences regarding
this brand of Caregiving is that while one moves forward in attentiveness
to challenges and demands, as in a new family or relationship, the actual
‘results’ instead go backwards. That is, one is not watching a new life
grow and flourish, but wane and deteriorate. This is of course, natural.
And yet even while it sounds ominous and foreboding, there is indeed a
new relationship and realization that forms. So also, the ‘rewards’ of
ones efforts cannot be measured in the usual goal of ‘defeating a problem’,
but rather coping, and reckoning, within many variable moments. It is not
a compartmentalized activity, and former autonomy, in varying degrees of
chagrin for both parties, often goes out the window with the baby and the
bathwater… It’s a new - albeit painful look - at the ties that bind, especially
since fewer of us nowadays are girded by the traditional extended family.
In my own case, my parents were immigrants who left everything and everyone
else behind…
They say, write what you know. So I’ll endeavour to talk
about ‘the experience of a lifetime’, that is, most of us will in fact
encounter it to some degree. It is not a gentle ride for the most part,
depending on the circumstances. First there is the inevitable and complex
dance in the shift of role reversal, from child to ‘overseer’, and from
parent to ‘charge’. Borders in the relationship are no longer easily and
clearly defined, not to mention that formerly unaddressed issues of familial
politics and dynamics will often come to a bitter head. Then there is the
constant necessity for reassessing priorities, depending on the needs of
an aging parent and their varied afflictions. Trying to reach and maintain
a balancing act “for the best” of everyone involved - and make no mistake,
ones own well-being is also a priority - can often lead to a feeling of
being ‘naked between a sword and a stone’. This journey and its circumstances
are as individual as our very fingerprints. And so as well, this journey
can be quick and overwhelming, or prolonged and devastating.
That being said, no matter who you are, and who you thought
you were, when our parents become ‘our children’, and the realities of
The Autumn of Life set in, you’ll likely feel the very axis of the earth
shift beneath your feet. And it is some of those movements I invite you
to dance to in the next two “Aspects”…
~ “One of my colleagues in
the field of caregiving once said, ‘There are only four kinds of people
in the world:
-Those who have been caregivers,
-Those who currently are caregivers,
-Those who will be caregivers,
-Those who will need caregivers.’
That pretty much covers all of us!” –
~ Rosalynn Carter - from Catalyst magazine, Spring
1995
