There are singular
insights to be gained when having left some significant episode of our
lives behind. How often do we look? There are also times and moments of
reflection when one is in the midst of them, although the often frantic
questioning seems to overwhelm the possibility for immediate answers. So,
for many, even repeating patterns seem to hold no clues - only the desperate
hope and wish for change, relief, release… or conversely, acceptance and
ultimately, defeat. In the cycles of Abuse, the latter can easily dominate
the perspective of the Abused, closing down potential avenues for positive
resolution - which often means in effect, Escape.
In last week’s column, I’d attempted to but begin to address
the question of why Abuse is seemingly tolerated - that is, why a ‘victim’
would apparently willingly choose to stay in such circumstances. It would
appear to be an act of Stupidity, perhaps even a death-wish, to continually
‘submit’ to being controlled by Power and Pain, and I fear that many indeed
see it this way… as if we were immune! So, here I ask that one merely reflect
on one’s own microcosm of family dynamics as well as other relationships
we partake of in our living… the thoroughly disagreeable or meddling and
over-bearing relative, the family bigot, the dreaded and annoyingly insulting
family drunk, the ‘friend’, neighbour, or relation who takes often yet
returns nothing. How do we choose to react? Often we bide our time, perhaps
roll our eyes discreetly, speak no truth, and leave as soon as possible
- dreading the recurrence yet dismissing it for the time being, only too
glad to be able to exit. And so nothing will change. Surely this is not
out of politeness, but a brand of indifference, intricately combined as
well with adhering to the ‘Status Quo’ that things simply are as they are,
unpleasant as they may be. Are you not then in effect being controlled…
held hostage at least for that time…?
Now, there’s nothing remotely polite about ‘submitting’
to Abuse, and yet the above principles can also apply, and do. The difference
is that the situation appears finite and is overwhelming - it in fact becomes
a universe all to itself, where “Home Life” is dominated by anxiety and
apprehension - that is, it produces the desperate feeling of sheer isolation
for a number of reasons. Firstly, one may hardly begin to grasp at the
outset that a “Loved One” would deliberately perform these acts, whether
they come in the form of physical, mental, or emotional attacks. There
is often (though not always) a tendency to “let things work themselves
out”, or to ‘forgive’ the transgression, to “love the sinner, but not the
sin”, not to mention that occurrences of “Making Up” can appear to be a
heavenly revelation and resolution. Tied into this are the history and
life patterns one has been exposed to or taught; that things have ‘always’
been this way, where endurance becomes acceptance, even while in danger.
The concept of living differently can in fact seem utterly alien!
Powerlessness, that is - a seeming lack of alternatives,
has of course been instilled through the countless messages women receive
which I’d previously touched upon, and is utterly exacerbated by the will
and whim of the abusive person. It is also utterly disconcerting how our
societies frequently and arbitrarily vacillate between bestowing Pity on
certain individuals, seen as “victims”, and yet readily blame others without
mercy. Psychologically, this is as utterly confounding to someone actually
willing to seek help, going hand-in-hand with the already ever-present
shame of having been privately wounded, humiliated, and defiled through
trust bestowed. It’s an almighty step to take when one already feels weak
as well as betrayed! Society -that is we ourselves- also make arbitrary
distinctions in what constitutes Abuse. As well, we’ve often ignored the
reasons that it occurs with such frequency - the Psychological ultimately
leading to the Physical, in giving, and sadly, in receiving…
Perhaps its long history is something we carelessly assign,
along with the beleaguered “victim”, to simply The Way Things Are, and
have been… Yet were Truth to in fact run around naked for a while, we’d
see that this ignorance is not based on acceptance, but indifference. And
Indifference, no matter the realm, has never ‘served’ anyone…
He is like a wounded
animal ~
With murderous glare and bitter snarl.
His bark is no less than his bite
for he’s let his wounds fester too long.
I loathe him, and I pity him,
and I fear that I am now his keeper…
