A ponderous subject
has left me deep in thought. It isn’t in fact a new one, yet remains a
veritable contemporary mystery to the many, including its victims. A recent
conversation I’d had, initially about ‘limits’ within relationships, turned
towards the aspect of Abuse - usually perpetrated against women (…without
addressing it in all its forms or victims thereof). The notion expressed
being that is was hard to comprehend why women in fact stayed in such circumstances.
“Hmmm,” I thought, “this is worth the struggle to put into words”, though
I wouldn’t be the first, nor the last… Bear with me in the next few columns…
I, like others, have lived just about long enough to realize that Truth
gets a better chance to run around naked (at least for a time), while Fear
must always hide in the shadows. This the only way things change… and the
point of this dialogue.
Regarding the question, there simply is no way to easily
sum up the supposed reasons for this phenomenon, and yet they exist a-plenty.
(And for who’s sake should this be an ‘easy’ endeavour anyway?) Does it
have to do with the traditional subservient role of women? Yes, even in
this day! Well then why does it happen to apparently ‘powerful’ women as
well?… Would it have to do with that ‘subservience’ hindering financial
independence, and therefore a possible way out? Most certainly! Yet the
woman who may be ‘well-off’ has born the brunt of in-house violence as
well… So then, there must be something much more fundamental at work. While
it may be about how women have been treated and viewed (and this is of
course absolutely significant), it is also certainly about how women actually
perceive themselves… perpetuating the proverbial vicious circle.
To begin with, there’s a singularly powerful motivator
in the notion that to be “alone” is seen as abysmal failure. As well, to
have failed in a relationship brings with it great shame. Simple? How about
the ‘Happy-go-lucky Bachelors’ versus ‘Old Maids’ for example… think of
how deeply this notion runs in your own veins. And why is that? This perception
is imposed on females early on as they are “groomed” for attractiveness,
desirability, and potential compatibility while ever and anon it is heard,
“boys will be boys”. This is but the tip of the iceberg… as well as that
women themselves have in effect perpetuated these teachings in their own
offspring, often merely by maintaining their silence, though in itself
this is also a complex factor - starting with being hesitant or fearful
of questioning the Status Quo. And while many changes in perception have
indeed occurred, there is still a pervasive and underlying desire to “Keep
the Peace” - also designated as ‘women’s work’.
Secondly, the ‘sanctity’ afforded Marriage & Family
(if not all relationships… and into which we’ve been well indoctrinated
by our own families, faiths, society, as well as all contemporary Media)
has often and ironically dismissed Women’s voices and concerns. I say ‘ironically’
because if one is going to invest in something supposedly profoundly sacred
& long-term, then wouldn’t ALL input and wisdom be most needful and
welcomed?! Yet this has not been so, and the legacy continues, for the
traditional “Head of the Family” was seen as needing to be soothed, placated,
and ’appreciated’. For even in this day, often times ‘he’ is seen as performing
a sacrifice, while ‘she’ is merely performing her prescribed ‘function’.
When it comes to domestic violence, this notion is often exacerbated. Furthermore,
“Family Affairs” are generally regarded as utterly private lest they reflect
poorly to ‘the outside’ and bring shame… no matter (and perhaps especially)
how bad things are. Needless to say, there is much that has been and still
goes unaddressed, and unacknowledged.
Thirdly, the changes that have indeed come about have
by no stretch been easy feats - it was not popular work made light by the
hands of many, but rather individual stalwart efforts. The repercussions
of speaking out and in effect rocking the boat have never been welcomed,
and the pressure remains to hold fast to the notion of “unconditional acceptance”
- mistakenly interpreted as ‘unconditional love”…
With this combination of factors and influences at play,
is it any wonder then that the silent suffering continues?
If I haven’t piqued any interest yet, or conversely, if
you find yourself already arguing, stay tuned… And ask yourself how the
myriad confluences of ‘ideals’ and relationships between Women and Men
has coloured your own life… Keep in mind that violence and aggression is
only “natural” as a consequence of unaddressed issues. It festers like
an undressed wound and is an ever-present undercurrent in all of our lives,
whether we acknowledge it or not. In this world, we are in fact surrounded
by it. It causes Fear. It reaps Fear. And truly we are all victims, for
the continuing legacy that’s carried forward denies the possibility of
growth, understanding and compassion… It has also long denied Women the
right and necessity to share and express their wisdom in a world where
we have always needed all we can get…
Brutality -
Acid Rage
Seeping, Searing,
Seething -
Throbs and pulses…
Corrodes its way
into every deep crevice
under skin and mind ~
Bold, Blind, and Merciless
Marvelous in power
Never spent in mere
minutes of action,
to hurt nor to hide,
Nor in hours of mind-full
vengeful flights
When the Lion’s at the door,
there are more ways than one
to skin a cat…
Yet, a lonelier beast there never was
than the one always relegated to
being backed into a corner
when the knock comes
Wisdom lies dormant in Fear.
